Here Goes
by DetectiveInspectorSydney
Summary: Rose's journey post Doomsday and continuing on post Journey's End. 10Too in later chapters, so if you don't like him, this may not be a story for you. Trigger warning for depression and suicidal tendencies I know the plot is over done, but please try it out, especially if you're really, REALLY bored!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: You might be able to tell if you've read any of my other stuff, but I'm a BIG Rose/10 shipper. I also tend to write stories after I go searching for an idea and don't like what I find. So this is another Rose/10 and Rose/Duplicate fic. Someday I want to write an AU where Rose was lying about being pregnant because I've never found one that was finished, but that's not what this is. **

**Anyway, this is the story, and if you've read "I'm Not Doctor Who, I'm Your English Teacher" you might recognize some of the format, but I'm not going to put up word definitions or anything for this. I don't want to mess with the flow. Thanks for sticking with it this long, I promise to try not to write another Author's Note that's this lengthy.**

**Paz,**

**Sydney.**

"Often there comes a point in people's lives when, incongruously, someone else is the intrinsic key to that person's survival." Brilliant! It was official. Nothing Rose did was safe. In a desperate attempt to numb the burning behind her eyes that had not stopped since she'd seen the Doctor 10 days ago at Darlig Ulv Stranden, Rose had picked up a book. It was just lying on an end table in Pete's library. That sentence had been the first words she'd laid eyes on. It was like the Universe was trying to torture her. Correction, Rose _knew _that the Universes were _succeeding _in torturing her.

The burning, itching feeling was returning with a vengeance. Rose was going through a period of no sleep. That first week in the mansion, Rose had not come out of her room until Jackie had dragged her from the bed kicking and screaming. When she hadn't been crying, she slept. It went in cycles for the first month. Jackie found out she was pregnant, and Rose could barely manage a hug and a smile, but she thought she covered up her despondency well. She was dimly aware that she should be happy for Pete, her mother, and herself really, but life was a fog. Rose was drifting along, unable to see let alone find a way out.

Mickey, of course, saw right through her. His time on his own had broadened his perspective and empathetic abilities. Within the first week that she was trapped in the parallel world, Pete was offering her a job. She didn't really want it. She didn't want anything. Her mum had to force her to sit down at the dining room table three times a day and eat. Rose wasn't starving herself on purpose, she just didn't want sustenance. She didn't care anymore. She refused to take the TARDIS key from around her neck. One night at dinner, Rose got up from the table to go to bed and Jackie insisted that she take the necklace off. "You could choke in your sleep," was Jackie's reasoning. _Good, _Rose thought, _it can choke me and then I'll be dead._ That thought stopped her in her tracks. What would the Doctor say if he knew what she was thinking? Just the thought of him made her throat close up; a small sob escaped Rose's lips and she hurried upstairs to the room Pete had given her.

Once there, Rose made her decision. She would be just like the doctor. She would put her skills to use, like he would have wanted, and hide herself inside, just like he always did. She'd started at Torchwood the next day.

Especially after Bad Wolf Bay, Rose's depression had become worse. She hardly spoke to anyone. But rather than cry, she became almost robotic. Her family would have accused her of being a Cyberman if this had been a laughing matter. Rose was diligent and dutiful to her work, but there was no heart in it. There was no heart in anything she did, because she no longer had one.


	2. Chapter 2

Six months later Rose had a little brother. She and Pete were with her mother. Jackie had insisted that she did not need drugs or surgery. She refused to acknowledge that at forty two there were bound to be more complications in this pregnancy. She wanted to prove that she was every bit as strong as anybody else that had been through that delivery room. So ten hours later, with much screaming, crying, swearing, and at least four liters of coffee between the two coaches, Anthony Prentice Tyler squalled his way into the world.

Once he was clean and relatively warm, Jackie looked over to her oldest. Rose smiled. It was a bigger smile than the usual, but like all of them, it didn't reach her eyes.

"He's beautiful Mum, Dad-"calling Pete "Dad' still felt weird, but it was getting easier. "Do you mind if I step out, yeah? All that coffee went right through me." Jackie and Pete exchanged a look, but Pete spoke for the both of them. "Sure Rose, go ahead." Rose was out of the room in the blink of an eye.

Once inside the bathroom, the tears flowed freely. Rose had become quite adept at holding her emotions in, but the newborn baby had done a number that she hadn't been expecting. Of course everything reminded her of the Doctor, but this was especially painful. She was in love with him. She'd had dreams in which it had been her exhausted form lying in the bed, cradling a small bundle, a little on the small side, with a full head of brown hair. The Doctor grinning down at her with the most genuine smile of joy, his requisite pinstripe suit rather rumpled.

She'd known every time she'd woken up that these dreams were impossible, even when she had been on the TARDIS. However sure she was that the Doctor reciprocated her feelings (and the seeds of doubt had roots, if not buds), a human and Time Lord having a baby together sounded rather far-fetched. Still she'd wanted that future, much more than she was willing to admit, and seeing baby Tony for the first time had drilled home that she would never be able to attain it, much more than anything else in her new "life." Pulling out her phone, Rose dialed Mickey. He was covering for her and Pete at Torchwood.

"Hello?"

"Mickey, it's Rose."

"Rose," his voice was laced with concern and palpable anxiety. Her stomach clenched a little at the thought of what she'd put him through over the past months, "are you all right?"

"Yeah, Mickey I'm fine-"she sniffed, trying to prevent snot from dripping in to her open mouth.

"You don't sound fine," Rose rolled her eyes at the accusing tone. Sometimes Mickey was worse than her mother.

"Mickey, I'm fine. I was just calling to tell you that it's a boy." There was a half second of silence as the strung out operative processed what "it's a boy" meant. Then he yelled so loudly that Rose nearly dropped the phone down the toilet.

"Jackie had the baby!" Rose rubbed her right ear gingerly as she held the phone at arm's length.

"Ouch! Yeah, Mickey. Don't shout. His name's Tony. And I just thought I'd tell you."

"Are Jackie and Pete there?"

"No, I'm in the Lou. I'm pretty sure phones aren't allowed in rooms anyway."

"Oh, okay. Well, you should get back then. Tell them I said congratulations. Gran's gonna want to knit a blanket if she hasn't already." Rose gave a watery chuckle at the thought.

"Okay. See ya soon."

"Yeah, see ya. Take care," the warning was not lost on Rose.

"I will," she lied, "thanks for covering."

"No problem, any time." Rose hung up. After a couple wrong turns, she returned to her mother's room, eyes and cheeks considerably less splotchy. Pete was the first to notice her.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Rose immediately rearranged her features.

"Nothing. Just tired." Jackie turned to look at her daughter. Her son had finished nursing, and was now sleeping in his mother's arms.

"Darling, would you mind going to nurse's station and asking if there's any place Tony needs to be or go?" If Pete did not recognize this as a ploy to get Rose by herself, he said nothing, and walked out dutifully, promising to be back in 2 minutes. Rose sighed and plunked herself down in a chair. Jackie rounded on her.

"Rose, what is the matter?"

"What do you mean?" This was a gut reaction, even though as the words came out of her mouth Rose knew they would do her no good.

"You know exactly what I mean! You used to be so lucid and blasé about everything, and now-" Rose heaved a derisive laugh.

"Lucid and blasé? Since when were you so posh?" Jackie glared.

"I may have been doing a little reading while I was on bed rest?" Rose laughed again, but it wasn't genuine. It never was.

"Reading what? Charles Dickens?" And just like that an unbidden memory crept upon her making her eyes sting. She quickly pushed the thought from her mind.

"Shut up. The point is, it's like I don't even know you anymore. You've changed and I don't know what to do with you." Rose face felt a little hot and she returned the glare.

"Yeah? Well, people change Mum. That's how it works. Life moves on and people do with it. Maybe you don't know me. Maybe that's just how it is."

"Don't talk to me that way. I'm your mother!" Rose scoffed.

"Of course you're my mother. Who else would you be? But you're Rose Tyler from the Powell Estate's mother, and I'm not her anymore, as you so astutely pointed out!" Jackie would have been on her feet were she not so physically drained.

"Astute! Look who's posh now. And what the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? That I'm not your mother anymore?" Rose stood.

"Jackie Tyler will always be my mum. I'm just not her daughter anymore." And with that, Rose flew out of the room, knocking Pete against a wall in the process. Fresh tears and sobs were wrenched from her body. She felt guilty for what she had said, but it was still true. Blinded by tears and the thunderstorm that had split the sky open, Rose walked the four or so miles to Jason's flat. Mickey was staying with his Gran, and while Rose loved her dearly, she didn't think she could face the "tea and sympathy" tonight. Jason was with Mickey on duty, so she would have the whole place to herself.

Rose Tyler staggered into the sparse living room and collapsed on crumb dusted couch. She hadn't really bothered to even shut the door and the key was still in the lock. In the next few minutes her sobs quieted, her shallow breath deepened like the evening tide, and she fell into a damp, cold, painful slumber. Again she dreamed of a beautiful little baby and a proud father kissing her temple.

**A/N: What'd you think? I love reviews!**


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